i guess i can talk about how my sister mom and dad never really supported me hah.

so like, ive been writing music for awhile now. the records seem to go back as far as 02 as far as guitar music goes, with words and the like. so that's about, what, well, you could say i'm into my seventh year. but yeah. it's fuckin rediculous. these fuckin people would just fuckin sit back while i wrote song after fuckin song. and then sometimes i'd pull 'em around right, and be like, hey lsiten to this. and they'd listen. then i'd have to be like so whatcha think, and they said a word or wtwo, then they'd go off and do whatever it is they were doing, and i was left of course with my song and back in my room hah alone and yeah it fuckin sucked.

never realy did they kinda try and get me outa the place. it was fuckin rediculous. no real fuckin supoprt. they just kinda fuckin left me up in that fuckin room. i mean then there's anita. like its fuckin amazing. she's actually interested in my shit. she actualy told me she wanted to listen to like all of my stuff. and so she did, she started to write reviews and shit. and she's working her ass off just so that i can get my first show. i mean that's fucking amazing. when someone gives you a little bit of support, its amazing what it can do for you. look at me now, im writing shitloads, omre than ever before, and i think its becauseim being encouranged. like without that encouragement i don't think i'd be where i am today.

but yeah so i'd be sitting there and i'd ask my sister to go and listen to some of this stuff. and she'd just be a little brat about it heh. it was fucking rediculous. she was like, do i have to? i mean it was fucking rediculous. i knew it was fucking whack causei told her. but like with anita, she actually wants to listen to what ive got to play and shit. its fuckin awesome.

i guess i can talk about how like, i had no support for my music growing up. and i guess how i didn't keep in touch with anybody from highschool.

so yeah, i was playing guitar in high school. i began in like freshman year, picked up some recording gear perhaps when i was 16 or earlier. anyway, i was recording songs. i went through recently and listened to 'em, they're labeled as tascam 1 - 36 or so, and they get the name from the box they were recorded on, a tascam something such homestudio. and yeah. none of these songs were ever listened to by anybody. i gues at the time i didn't know a single person who'd care to stomache more than five of my songs. most much less. but yeah. anita was talking about how you need people to support you in your art. and all that. and i guess thats true. looking back, since it's been now nearly six years since i graduated, i can see how little i've really gained.

there was a kid, elliot cardinoux, and in about the span of a single year, he managed to galvanize the support of the entire upper school for his piano talents. me on the other hand, i only managed to really get a smattering of applause on my recidal, while i'd been recording and playing nearly in secret for about four years. anyhow, yeah, not many people ever heard the bulk of my music.

however i don't really feel like that was my main problem. i think artists usually find that sort of stuff, as they work through their craft, working to get recognition, well, recognition is bestowed upon those who work at their craft, publically. however i was kept from doing so, for a few reasons. mainly not being able to get over the immigration. the pressures and difficulties of it. the trauma of losing friends and family, losing community and not gaining anew, that'd really fuck any person, let alone myself. plus the crazed nature of the things i'd come across in america, such as the racism, the isolation, the radically different way of thinking encountered at the schools, amongst the friends, in the community, and the like. it fucking made shit difficult.

alright, so all that comes to mind right now is the incident with a kid called matt, forgot his last name, and myself, where he refers to me as "freaks like me" while explaining himself to a fucking teacher hah, while crying. yep.

so there's this fucking school, called fuckin fairbrook elementary in a fuckin place called beavercreek in a fuckin state called ohio in the fuckin country of america. any fuckin way. im fuckin goin there because my fuckin parents moved me the fuck out there from fuckin england, the place i fuckin grew up in for many fuckin years. it fuckin sucked to fuckin have to fuckin come all the way out to this fuckin conservative fuckin backwards ass fuckin town of fuckin rednecks fuckin farmers and fuckin military goons and shit. it was fuckin rediculous. but yeah we fuckin moved out here and it was fuckin crazy.

so we fuckin went to a fuckin hotel, then got a fuckin apartment. i went over to a fuckin school called main for a fuckin week, then fuckin swapped over to another fuckin one called fuckin fairbrook. that's the fuckin place where this shit fuckin went down. and so this fuckin school was on fuckin fairfield road, and the fuckin neighborhood was fuckin closeknit. and yeah, it was fuckin crazy. so i was fuckin in some fuckin situation or whatever. maybe i was fuckin tired because this kid was fuckin makin comments about me or whatever. and the fuckin dude fuckin tries to defend his fuckin ass by fuckin goin to the fuckin teacher and starts fuckin sayin, "hey teacher look man, im fuckin helpin this fuckin freak, i fuckin actually fuckin bother to fuckin talk to em, im actually a fuckin nice guy, im fuckin doin him a fuckin favor" and i fuckin remember that day fuckin clear as fuckin hell. what a fuckin douchebag.

the fuckin kid just fuckin highlighted the fuckin way these fuckin kids thought. a bit of fuckin wrap on my head, a bit of fuckin accent in my mouth, and im a fuckin freak. fuck that, know who the fuckin freaks are, the fuckin whites that fuckin walk around fuckin oblivious to the fuckin fact theyve fuckin built everyhtin on fuckin native fuckin american mounds and shit, that the whole fuckin country was fuckin taken the fuck over by fuckin white european settlers and then fuckin built over, meanwhile fuckin pushing the fuckin indians way the fuck west - its fuckin disgusting. these fuckin people today have no fuckin control over that, but they do fuckin have the fuckin ability to fuckin do somethin about the fuckin current state of the fuckin indians. give em a fuckin state or somethin. but instead these fuckin snot nosed fuckin kids fuckin awalk around like they fuckin own the place, meanwhile fuckin walkin over fuckin lands sacred to the fuckin indians, tossin their fuckin trash in the fuckin grass, fuckin cuttin down trees, and fuckin desrtoying the land that the fuckin indians once inhabited.

i think it's time for that recent overarching theory i coined

so we were takling about how i'd had a hard time when we moved over from england to chicago. turns out that i'd gone back to england right off, so we'd moved back from chicago to england in 91, and it wasnt until 92 that we moved in. moreover, instead of moving back in 94, i moved in with my dad in 93 and the two of us stayed there alone for that year. then my sister and mom joined us in 94. then in 95 we moved out to ohio for our first year.

so now that that's cleared up, here's the thing. the period where i lived w/ my mom in chicago w/o my dad, must've been in what, 92? that was rough, while my mom was studying 24/7. and then i guess while in england w/o my mom and sister, i dont think that was as bad, but maybe it did its damage too. so anyway, in 95 we had to ohio.

and basically what the theory is is that i was overwhelmed. the difficulty of the immigration. which you could break down as like, the loss of friends, community, etc. and then in chicago, as well as ohio, the lack of equal replacements for those things. things we could've done to ease the transition, my dad just yesterday was like takling about how he found everything strange, like if they'd taken time to talk with me about it, how they found it was strange, and if they had got me and my sister and if tey had asked us to talk about our feelings about the move, maybe we could have dealt with those emotions. but these parents of mine, theyre masters at burying their emotions, and they gave us a terrible example. we were misled. we were told holding emotions in was good. we were given bad advice, and we suffered.

so moving on, i kinda looked at it like this, if im overwhelmed, and im a kid, im gonna give up, and im gonna hide, and im gonna do things that dont remind me of the problem. so thats what i did. i played games, i played music, i read books. i watched tv. i did things that helped me avoid my problem. i felt americans were weird. i missed england. i grew up in england. it was all i knew. i lost my friends. i lost my community. i left my town. i left my family friends. i moved to chicago. i didnt like my aunts. they didnt like me. i had a rough time there. i was lonely. i was bored. i was ordered to take care of my sister. i shouldn't have been asked to take care of her. she wasn't my responsibility. i was just a kid. they were wrong to ask me to do that. i just had medical books and star trek to keep my occupied.

in ohio i still wasnt adjusted. i didnt like ohio. i didnt like the kids. i didnt like the teasings. i didnt like the way they thought. i didnt like the way they talked. i missed england. i wanted to go home. my parents wouldnt take me home. they wouldn't let me. they forced me to stay in america. i hated it. i never did come to like america. i never did completely forget england. i have lived here for so many years. i moved here in 95. im turning 23 this year. ive been here far too long. i dont want to be here. i never wanted to be here. i want to be in england. i think one day i will get there.

you know i think i might tell you about my breakup with amber. and then i guess i cuold throw in my breakup with carla.

alright so amber was this indian girl i met in 2006. she was great really smart otugoing into cool music and stuff. she was great and had these really big eyes and stuff. and it was great. we went to see dave chappelle's block party a lot of times. and it was great. she didnt mind watching the movie alot. so we would go, and she was the first girl i kissed in a movie theatre. and we'd go back to my place too. she would listen to my music and we would talk about stuff at starbucks.

but so it comes to pass that im out of town for a week or two. and yeah, i drive home, and i get a call from her, she says hey, we need to talk. so i get there, she meets up with me, and says i think we need to stop seeing each other.

i think ive never really been that devastated quite in that way before like i was that day, that moment. she really caught me off guard. i didn't expect it at all. i really never saw it coming. i remember holding her outside my apartment on frambes. there was a grass lawn and a grille sometimes people'd use. we'd just hold each other and takl and laugh. and i remember going out to meet her friends out at some coffee place. i think it was a hookah place. and then also there was the instance at some kids friends house. friend of a friend who smoked pot, whose house i smoked at. and then the instance vivek and i smoked in front of her too. and then the drinking and such. she knew there was something wrong with me. she could see that i needed maybe some help. she told me to get on some anti depressants, that was the way she understood to deal with those sorts of problems. and yeah, basically she was talking from experience because she told me she had taken them when she was younger. so that was crazy. but yeah.

i remember she was from canada. like she had that whole canadian upbeatness i guess. and i guess i gravitated to that. but she also had that i guess emotional coldness that i guess i also had hah. and i guess back then, neither one of us knew how to break through that barrier. she must have had some hard times. like she was like me, she defniately had a hard time growing up, and like i did, she also chose to just avoid those things that overwhelmed her, and instead stuck with nonthreatening people and situations. she grew up amongst a few of the nerds i guess you could call them because of it, people who were mired enough with their own problems not to be a threat to her. but yeah, she was nice looking, big brown eyes, big smile, and black hair. but strangely enough i have zero pictures of her. but yeah it was good. it was also overwhelming to her i think. she lost her nerve and ditched the relationship. she tried to paint it off as me having problems but i think she was the one who had the real problems. unwilling to look outside of her own safe places and people, she really shielded herself alot.

but i did take it quite hard. i think not long after that vivek was found dead. im guessing that she broke up with me either during winter or spring break, which would have either been december right or around march or april. all i know is i was still etting over the breakup when vivek died. so it was a bit of a double whammy. and my heartbreak kinda came through in the music we were playing, because i really threw myself into it. however when vivek died i kinda lost a place where i felt safe to play my music. i guess in a way i was similar to her. she had her friends whom she felt safe with, and i had mine. although mine were rather few, because mine had to be people i was comfortable with, who also played music, of which the list was rather small.

near death experiences

alright, so there's two of 'em that come to mind. teh time i was down in england, and the time i was out in cbus.

so in england i was, i guess... must have been either before '91 or during the '94 - '95 period but i do remember my mom beign able to pik me up and turn me upside down so it must've been when i was quite young, like five or younger. anway, we get out of my swimmming lcass, the ground there in teh swmiming pool was gravelly. and then what else is there. the whole uh... situation with uh... yeah... something. there was like i guess rainy ground and there was a three wheeled car and we'd go across the street to park. anyway i got inside the car and ate a hard cnady, and it got suck in my throat. i began choking, and my mom noticed, she picked me up turned me upsde down and eventually i spit it out. that was incident number one hah.

so in columbus i was hanging out with a kid called kirby messer and in an apartment complex called harrison apartments. we were messing with a drug called DXM. it was an over the counter that was sold at any pharmacy. we would get ours from the CVS pharmacy on Lane avenue and High street. so basically we would take the pills, about 3 or 4 bottles each, and then walk around campus and have visions. we did this a few tmies, this was the final time. i had taken more than ever before, and kirby had as well. and i roamed, and eventually blacked out. i woke up in hospital with tubes attatched and my clothes gone. i was naked under a gown. whats more i was groggy, and my vision was blurry. a doctor was ahead of my face when i first came around, and was conscious, and was telling me to take better care of myself, that i was found unconcious and that i could have been killed. he was trying to stress that point with me. it was a shock to wake up in unfamiliar circumstances. you feel restrained. and you feel lost. it took me a few hours to reailze i had my cell phone, using it i called a friend, nick arnold, who lived in the apartment complex, harrison apartments, and was kirby's roommate, and my next door neighbor from the previous year in ohio state, in the dormitorys. after a few calls he drives to the hospital and picks me up. i was in a state of shock. i was scared and bewildered, i was freaked out, and completely spooked. i was very tense and every step was making my heart flutter and breath rapid. i ended up at their apartment, face to face with kirby, and i yelled at the guy for a good long while before i left. the guy had just left me out in the middle of nowhere. that was some freaky shit. but it taught me a lesson. after that, i had a very good reason to stop drugs. and for teh most part i did. i never touched DXM again. i did smoke some weed after. and some other things. but that was it. and i never felt good about drugs again.

the "exile" period

so vivek died in april of 06. and i moved out in september of 08. what happened in between?

well vivek died in april like i said, and i probably didnt move home until like... june or july or so. summer basically when the lease ran out. so yeah. i came home and i think i remember that first like, winter, when i was back and like not doing much besides sitting in my room recording stuff and taking pictures of the winter and the like. and then yeah, so like that winter passed, '06, and then the 2007'th year, stayed that full year, so there was a new years where i did go down to columbus and do something with some people, but yeah, the winters of 07 and 08 seem to kinda blend together, i dont really know exactly what happened when hah.

but i do have records going as far back as april of 2008, and then continuous from then on until present day.