so what can i talk about that sucked.

well the day that vivek died i was sitting in a bar with my friend nick and his girlfriend ... sara. i guess we werent that gerat friends because after the death we didnt really hang out much. and eventually the kid stopped returning phone calls. like id leave facebook messages and messages on his phone and he'd just ignore 'em i guess. kinda douchebagish if you ask me. the dude should have just told me he didnt really want to hang out and shit heh. but i mean, yeah, nah, the kid just didnt do shit about them. to me, that's some despicable ass shit. if someone called me, i'd return the call immediately. if someone called me alot, and i was avoiding 'em, i'd eventually tell 'em not to call me. but the dude never did, he's such a passive pussy. and i just find it insulting as shit when someone tries to be all passive with me. im a very forward person so it really didn't seem all that cool to me at all. i mean i'd expect a friend to answer a phone call. at least if there were a lot of them. but one call should warrent a return. and if someone isnt all that interested in hanging out or even recieving calls, they should've used their mouth to let me know. this passive nonsense was absolutely bullshit. i really didnt see it coming and it was absolutely painful and the timing was terrible. wait until myf riend dies, then when i reach out for support, act all passive and shit. what a fucking rediculous ass piece of shit. and what a rediculous ass fucking thing to do.

but yeah vivek was fucking crazy, he killed himself after all, they found him in his apartment. jason wrote that vivek said he was going to "take his meds" i guess. the last time he saw him was i guess at his own birthday party, which he left to go and take some drugs i guess. two days later i guess they found him. which means he was at the party, left, and presumably died then. the police were called to his room i suppose, i dont know how they found out he was in there. i would only assume that basically the whole situation there was absolutely nuts. like the whole deal was, that basically there couldnt be much to be done really, like, i guess, he was there, maybe the smell of some drug wafted out of his room, someone finally called the cops, they showed up, opened it, and then basically uh, yeah. it was terrible. the death sucked, i mean i was sad.

i felt like it was my fault, like that i should have said something or done something but i didnt do anything. i think i even egged him on and he just went closer and faster towards the end. he asked me if he should do heroin and i told him to do it if he wanted to. i always thought that was like the most irresponsible thing i could ever do hah. i mean telling a guy to take the deadliest drug on the planet, not smart. i mean was 18, and he was 23. i guess his birthday was april 06, he'd've been 24. so that means he'd've been 26 this year, when i'd be turning 23. so he was about 3 years older. but yeah. i mean, if he was 26, when im 23, anita'd be 19. so he'd be like 7 years older than her. but i mean i never really felt like i kinda was similar to this dude. it was more anita that i felt that kinda equal kinship, y'know? like vivek was kinda like, just miles ahead and i didn't like that. like he just had way more life experience. and like i always felt overwhelmed.