i think it's time for that recent overarching theory i coined

so we were takling about how i'd had a hard time when we moved over from england to chicago. turns out that i'd gone back to england right off, so we'd moved back from chicago to england in 91, and it wasnt until 92 that we moved in. moreover, instead of moving back in 94, i moved in with my dad in 93 and the two of us stayed there alone for that year. then my sister and mom joined us in 94. then in 95 we moved out to ohio for our first year.

so now that that's cleared up, here's the thing. the period where i lived w/ my mom in chicago w/o my dad, must've been in what, 92? that was rough, while my mom was studying 24/7. and then i guess while in england w/o my mom and sister, i dont think that was as bad, but maybe it did its damage too. so anyway, in 95 we had to ohio.

and basically what the theory is is that i was overwhelmed. the difficulty of the immigration. which you could break down as like, the loss of friends, community, etc. and then in chicago, as well as ohio, the lack of equal replacements for those things. things we could've done to ease the transition, my dad just yesterday was like takling about how he found everything strange, like if they'd taken time to talk with me about it, how they found it was strange, and if they had got me and my sister and if tey had asked us to talk about our feelings about the move, maybe we could have dealt with those emotions. but these parents of mine, theyre masters at burying their emotions, and they gave us a terrible example. we were misled. we were told holding emotions in was good. we were given bad advice, and we suffered.

so moving on, i kinda looked at it like this, if im overwhelmed, and im a kid, im gonna give up, and im gonna hide, and im gonna do things that dont remind me of the problem. so thats what i did. i played games, i played music, i read books. i watched tv. i did things that helped me avoid my problem. i felt americans were weird. i missed england. i grew up in england. it was all i knew. i lost my friends. i lost my community. i left my town. i left my family friends. i moved to chicago. i didnt like my aunts. they didnt like me. i had a rough time there. i was lonely. i was bored. i was ordered to take care of my sister. i shouldn't have been asked to take care of her. she wasn't my responsibility. i was just a kid. they were wrong to ask me to do that. i just had medical books and star trek to keep my occupied.

in ohio i still wasnt adjusted. i didnt like ohio. i didnt like the kids. i didnt like the teasings. i didnt like the way they thought. i didnt like the way they talked. i missed england. i wanted to go home. my parents wouldnt take me home. they wouldn't let me. they forced me to stay in america. i hated it. i never did come to like america. i never did completely forget england. i have lived here for so many years. i moved here in 95. im turning 23 this year. ive been here far too long. i dont want to be here. i never wanted to be here. i want to be in england. i think one day i will get there.