you know i think i might tell you about my breakup with amber. and then i guess i cuold throw in my breakup with carla.

alright so amber was this indian girl i met in 2006. she was great really smart otugoing into cool music and stuff. she was great and had these really big eyes and stuff. and it was great. we went to see dave chappelle's block party a lot of times. and it was great. she didnt mind watching the movie alot. so we would go, and she was the first girl i kissed in a movie theatre. and we'd go back to my place too. she would listen to my music and we would talk about stuff at starbucks.

but so it comes to pass that im out of town for a week or two. and yeah, i drive home, and i get a call from her, she says hey, we need to talk. so i get there, she meets up with me, and says i think we need to stop seeing each other.

i think ive never really been that devastated quite in that way before like i was that day, that moment. she really caught me off guard. i didn't expect it at all. i really never saw it coming. i remember holding her outside my apartment on frambes. there was a grass lawn and a grille sometimes people'd use. we'd just hold each other and takl and laugh. and i remember going out to meet her friends out at some coffee place. i think it was a hookah place. and then also there was the instance at some kids friends house. friend of a friend who smoked pot, whose house i smoked at. and then the instance vivek and i smoked in front of her too. and then the drinking and such. she knew there was something wrong with me. she could see that i needed maybe some help. she told me to get on some anti depressants, that was the way she understood to deal with those sorts of problems. and yeah, basically she was talking from experience because she told me she had taken them when she was younger. so that was crazy. but yeah.

i remember she was from canada. like she had that whole canadian upbeatness i guess. and i guess i gravitated to that. but she also had that i guess emotional coldness that i guess i also had hah. and i guess back then, neither one of us knew how to break through that barrier. she must have had some hard times. like she was like me, she defniately had a hard time growing up, and like i did, she also chose to just avoid those things that overwhelmed her, and instead stuck with nonthreatening people and situations. she grew up amongst a few of the nerds i guess you could call them because of it, people who were mired enough with their own problems not to be a threat to her. but yeah, she was nice looking, big brown eyes, big smile, and black hair. but strangely enough i have zero pictures of her. but yeah it was good. it was also overwhelming to her i think. she lost her nerve and ditched the relationship. she tried to paint it off as me having problems but i think she was the one who had the real problems. unwilling to look outside of her own safe places and people, she really shielded herself alot.

but i did take it quite hard. i think not long after that vivek was found dead. im guessing that she broke up with me either during winter or spring break, which would have either been december right or around march or april. all i know is i was still etting over the breakup when vivek died. so it was a bit of a double whammy. and my heartbreak kinda came through in the music we were playing, because i really threw myself into it. however when vivek died i kinda lost a place where i felt safe to play my music. i guess in a way i was similar to her. she had her friends whom she felt safe with, and i had mine. although mine were rather few, because mine had to be people i was comfortable with, who also played music, of which the list was rather small.