bleeding out the past

2009-02-26T17:40:00.000-08:00

i guess i can talk about how my sister mom and dad never really supported me hah.

so like, ive been writing music for awhile now. the records seem to go back as far as 02 as far as guitar music goes, with words and the like. so that's about, what, well, you could say i'm into my seventh year. but yeah. it's fuckin rediculous. these fuckin people would just fuckin sit back while i wrote song after fuckin song. and then sometimes i'd pull 'em around right, and be like, hey lsiten to this. and they'd listen. then i'd have to be like so whatcha think, and they said a word or wtwo, then they'd go off and do whatever it is they were doing, and i was left of course with my song and back in my room hah alone and yeah it fuckin sucked.

never realy did they kinda try and get me outa the place. it was fuckin rediculous. no real fuckin supoprt. they just kinda fuckin left me up in that fuckin room. i mean then there's anita. like its fuckin amazing. she's actually interested in my shit. she actualy told me she wanted to listen to like all of my stuff. and so she did, she started to write reviews and shit. and she's working her ass off just so that i can get my first show. i mean that's fucking amazing. when someone gives you a little bit of support, its amazing what it can do for you. look at me now, im writing shitloads, omre than ever before, and i think its becauseim being encouranged. like without that encouragement i don't think i'd be where i am today.

but yeah so i'd be sitting there and i'd ask my sister to go and listen to some of this stuff. and she'd just be a little brat about it heh. it was fucking rediculous. she was like, do i have to? i mean it was fucking rediculous. i knew it was fucking whack causei told her. but like with anita, she actually wants to listen to what ive got to play and shit. its fuckin awesome.

2009-02-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

i guess i can talk about how like, i had no support for my music growing up. and i guess how i didn't keep in touch with anybody from highschool.

so yeah, i was playing guitar in high school. i began in like freshman year, picked up some recording gear perhaps when i was 16 or earlier. anyway, i was recording songs. i went through recently and listened to 'em, they're labeled as tascam 1 - 36 or so, and they get the name from the box they were recorded on, a tascam something such homestudio. and yeah. none of these songs were ever listened to by anybody. i gues at the time i didn't know a single person who'd care to stomache more than five of my songs. most much less. but yeah. anita was talking about how you need people to support you in your art. and all that. and i guess thats true. looking back, since it's been now nearly six years since i graduated, i can see how little i've really gained.

there was a kid, elliot cardinoux, and in about the span of a single year, he managed to galvanize the support of the entire upper school for his piano talents. me on the other hand, i only managed to really get a smattering of applause on my recidal, while i'd been recording and playing nearly in secret for about four years. anyhow, yeah, not many people ever heard the bulk of my music.

however i don't really feel like that was my main problem. i think artists usually find that sort of stuff, as they work through their craft, working to get recognition, well, recognition is bestowed upon those who work at their craft, publically. however i was kept from doing so, for a few reasons. mainly not being able to get over the immigration. the pressures and difficulties of it. the trauma of losing friends and family, losing community and not gaining anew, that'd really fuck any person, let alone myself. plus the crazed nature of the things i'd come across in america, such as the racism, the isolation, the radically different way of thinking encountered at the schools, amongst the friends, in the community, and the like. it fucking made shit difficult.

2009-02-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

alright, so all that comes to mind right now is the incident with a kid called matt, forgot his last name, and myself, where he refers to me as "freaks like me" while explaining himself to a fucking teacher hah, while crying. yep.

so there's this fucking school, called fuckin fairbrook elementary in a fuckin place called beavercreek in a fuckin state called ohio in the fuckin country of america. any fuckin way. im fuckin goin there because my fuckin parents moved me the fuck out there from fuckin england, the place i fuckin grew up in for many fuckin years. it fuckin sucked to fuckin have to fuckin come all the way out to this fuckin conservative fuckin backwards ass fuckin town of fuckin rednecks fuckin farmers and fuckin military goons and shit. it was fuckin rediculous. but yeah we fuckin moved out here and it was fuckin crazy.

so we fuckin went to a fuckin hotel, then got a fuckin apartment. i went over to a fuckin school called main for a fuckin week, then fuckin swapped over to another fuckin one called fuckin fairbrook. that's the fuckin place where this shit fuckin went down. and so this fuckin school was on fuckin fairfield road, and the fuckin neighborhood was fuckin closeknit. and yeah, it was fuckin crazy. so i was fuckin in some fuckin situation or whatever. maybe i was fuckin tired because this kid was fuckin makin comments about me or whatever. and the fuckin dude fuckin tries to defend his fuckin ass by fuckin goin to the fuckin teacher and starts fuckin sayin, "hey teacher look man, im fuckin helpin this fuckin freak, i fuckin actually fuckin bother to fuckin talk to em, im actually a fuckin nice guy, im fuckin doin him a fuckin favor" and i fuckin remember that day fuckin clear as fuckin hell. what a fuckin douchebag.

the fuckin kid just fuckin highlighted the fuckin way these fuckin kids thought. a bit of fuckin wrap on my head, a bit of fuckin accent in my mouth, and im a fuckin freak. fuck that, know who the fuckin freaks are, the fuckin whites that fuckin walk around fuckin oblivious to the fuckin fact theyve fuckin built everyhtin on fuckin native fuckin american mounds and shit, that the whole fuckin country was fuckin taken the fuck over by fuckin white european settlers and then fuckin built over, meanwhile fuckin pushing the fuckin indians way the fuck west - its fuckin disgusting. these fuckin people today have no fuckin control over that, but they do fuckin have the fuckin ability to fuckin do somethin about the fuckin current state of the fuckin indians. give em a fuckin state or somethin. but instead these fuckin snot nosed fuckin kids fuckin awalk around like they fuckin own the place, meanwhile fuckin walkin over fuckin lands sacred to the fuckin indians, tossin their fuckin trash in the fuckin grass, fuckin cuttin down trees, and fuckin desrtoying the land that the fuckin indians once inhabited.

2009-02-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

i think it's time for that recent overarching theory i coined

so we were takling about how i'd had a hard time when we moved over from england to chicago. turns out that i'd gone back to england right off, so we'd moved back from chicago to england in 91, and it wasnt until 92 that we moved in. moreover, instead of moving back in 94, i moved in with my dad in 93 and the two of us stayed there alone for that year. then my sister and mom joined us in 94. then in 95 we moved out to ohio for our first year.

so now that that's cleared up, here's the thing. the period where i lived w/ my mom in chicago w/o my dad, must've been in what, 92? that was rough, while my mom was studying 24/7. and then i guess while in england w/o my mom and sister, i dont think that was as bad, but maybe it did its damage too. so anyway, in 95 we had to ohio.

and basically what the theory is is that i was overwhelmed. the difficulty of the immigration. which you could break down as like, the loss of friends, community, etc. and then in chicago, as well as ohio, the lack of equal replacements for those things. things we could've done to ease the transition, my dad just yesterday was like takling about how he found everything strange, like if they'd taken time to talk with me about it, how they found it was strange, and if they had got me and my sister and if tey had asked us to talk about our feelings about the move, maybe we could have dealt with those emotions. but these parents of mine, theyre masters at burying their emotions, and they gave us a terrible example. we were misled. we were told holding emotions in was good. we were given bad advice, and we suffered.

so moving on, i kinda looked at it like this, if im overwhelmed, and im a kid, im gonna give up, and im gonna hide, and im gonna do things that dont remind me of the problem. so thats what i did. i played games, i played music, i read books. i watched tv. i did things that helped me avoid my problem. i felt americans were weird. i missed england. i grew up in england. it was all i knew. i lost my friends. i lost my community. i left my town. i left my family friends. i moved to chicago. i didnt like my aunts. they didnt like me. i had a rough time there. i was lonely. i was bored. i was ordered to take care of my sister. i shouldn't have been asked to take care of her. she wasn't my responsibility. i was just a kid. they were wrong to ask me to do that. i just had medical books and star trek to keep my occupied.

in ohio i still wasnt adjusted. i didnt like ohio. i didnt like the kids. i didnt like the teasings. i didnt like the way they thought. i didnt like the way they talked. i missed england. i wanted to go home. my parents wouldnt take me home. they wouldn't let me. they forced me to stay in america. i hated it. i never did come to like america. i never did completely forget england. i have lived here for so many years. i moved here in 95. im turning 23 this year. ive been here far too long. i dont want to be here. i never wanted to be here. i want to be in england. i think one day i will get there.

2009-02-18T08:40:00.001-08:00

you know i think i might tell you about my breakup with amber. and then i guess i cuold throw in my breakup with carla.

alright so amber was this indian girl i met in 2006. she was great really smart otugoing into cool music and stuff. she was great and had these really big eyes and stuff. and it was great. we went to see dave chappelle's block party a lot of times. and it was great. she didnt mind watching the movie alot. so we would go, and she was the first girl i kissed in a movie theatre. and we'd go back to my place too. she would listen to my music and we would talk about stuff at starbucks.

but so it comes to pass that im out of town for a week or two. and yeah, i drive home, and i get a call from her, she says hey, we need to talk. so i get there, she meets up with me, and says i think we need to stop seeing each other.

i think ive never really been that devastated quite in that way before like i was that day, that moment. she really caught me off guard. i didn't expect it at all. i really never saw it coming. i remember holding her outside my apartment on frambes. there was a grass lawn and a grille sometimes people'd use. we'd just hold each other and takl and laugh. and i remember going out to meet her friends out at some coffee place. i think it was a hookah place. and then also there was the instance at some kids friends house. friend of a friend who smoked pot, whose house i smoked at. and then the instance vivek and i smoked in front of her too. and then the drinking and such. she knew there was something wrong with me. she could see that i needed maybe some help. she told me to get on some anti depressants, that was the way she understood to deal with those sorts of problems. and yeah, basically she was talking from experience because she told me she had taken them when she was younger. so that was crazy. but yeah.

i remember she was from canada. like she had that whole canadian upbeatness i guess. and i guess i gravitated to that. but she also had that i guess emotional coldness that i guess i also had hah. and i guess back then, neither one of us knew how to break through that barrier. she must have had some hard times. like she was like me, she defniately had a hard time growing up, and like i did, she also chose to just avoid those things that overwhelmed her, and instead stuck with nonthreatening people and situations. she grew up amongst a few of the nerds i guess you could call them because of it, people who were mired enough with their own problems not to be a threat to her. but yeah, she was nice looking, big brown eyes, big smile, and black hair. but strangely enough i have zero pictures of her. but yeah it was good. it was also overwhelming to her i think. she lost her nerve and ditched the relationship. she tried to paint it off as me having problems but i think she was the one who had the real problems. unwilling to look outside of her own safe places and people, she really shielded herself alot.

but i did take it quite hard. i think not long after that vivek was found dead. im guessing that she broke up with me either during winter or spring break, which would have either been december right or around march or april. all i know is i was still etting over the breakup when vivek died. so it was a bit of a double whammy. and my heartbreak kinda came through in the music we were playing, because i really threw myself into it. however when vivek died i kinda lost a place where i felt safe to play my music. i guess in a way i was similar to her. she had her friends whom she felt safe with, and i had mine. although mine were rather few, because mine had to be people i was comfortable with, who also played music, of which the list was rather small.

near death experiences

2009-02-17T01:47:00.000-08:00

alright, so there's two of 'em that come to mind. teh time i was down in england, and the time i was out in cbus.

so in england i was, i guess... must have been either before '91 or during the '94 - '95 period but i do remember my mom beign able to pik me up and turn me upside down so it must've been when i was quite young, like five or younger. anway, we get out of my swimmming lcass, the ground there in teh swmiming pool was gravelly. and then what else is there. the whole uh... situation with uh... yeah... something. there was like i guess rainy ground and there was a three wheeled car and we'd go across the street to park. anyway i got inside the car and ate a hard cnady, and it got suck in my throat. i began choking, and my mom noticed, she picked me up turned me upsde down and eventually i spit it out. that was incident number one hah.

so in columbus i was hanging out with a kid called kirby messer and in an apartment complex called harrison apartments. we were messing with a drug called DXM. it was an over the counter that was sold at any pharmacy. we would get ours from the CVS pharmacy on Lane avenue and High street. so basically we would take the pills, about 3 or 4 bottles each, and then walk around campus and have visions. we did this a few tmies, this was the final time. i had taken more than ever before, and kirby had as well. and i roamed, and eventually blacked out. i woke up in hospital with tubes attatched and my clothes gone. i was naked under a gown. whats more i was groggy, and my vision was blurry. a doctor was ahead of my face when i first came around, and was conscious, and was telling me to take better care of myself, that i was found unconcious and that i could have been killed. he was trying to stress that point with me. it was a shock to wake up in unfamiliar circumstances. you feel restrained. and you feel lost. it took me a few hours to reailze i had my cell phone, using it i called a friend, nick arnold, who lived in the apartment complex, harrison apartments, and was kirby's roommate, and my next door neighbor from the previous year in ohio state, in the dormitorys. after a few calls he drives to the hospital and picks me up. i was in a state of shock. i was scared and bewildered, i was freaked out, and completely spooked. i was very tense and every step was making my heart flutter and breath rapid. i ended up at their apartment, face to face with kirby, and i yelled at the guy for a good long while before i left. the guy had just left me out in the middle of nowhere. that was some freaky shit. but it taught me a lesson. after that, i had a very good reason to stop drugs. and for teh most part i did. i never touched DXM again. i did smoke some weed after. and some other things. but that was it. and i never felt good about drugs again.

the "exile" period

2009-02-16T07:26:00.001-08:00

so vivek died in april of 06. and i moved out in september of 08. what happened in between?

well vivek died in april like i said, and i probably didnt move home until like... june or july or so. summer basically when the lease ran out. so yeah. i came home and i think i remember that first like, winter, when i was back and like not doing much besides sitting in my room recording stuff and taking pictures of the winter and the like. and then yeah, so like that winter passed, '06, and then the 2007'th year, stayed that full year, so there was a new years where i did go down to columbus and do something with some people, but yeah, the winters of 07 and 08 seem to kinda blend together, i dont really know exactly what happened when hah.

but i do have records going as far back as april of 2008, and then continuous from then on until present day.

lets talk about the music

2009-02-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

so i htink i could takl about how ive never played a show, and basically how i've never really even begun my career, despite trying for years.

so uh, yeah, lets start at the beginning. well, a long tmie ago, i went to a school called qegs. thats where we took violin, piano, recorder lessons. as well as this, we'd also do vocals in the morning. they weren't really one on one, we'd do hymns. we also did also art things, acting, painting, and the like. even got us on computers.

but that's getting off topic. so we've uh, yeah, established that i've begun to learn music. in '91 i moved to chicago, and uh, i think that's when the music stopped. i did of course do the pledge of allegience, but there was no more uh, instrumentation or vocalization. in '94 i went back to qegs, and probably went back to all the same music things i'd been after for awhile. so then in '95 i went down to uh, ohio. a place called beavercreek. it was nearby the airforce base. one of the seven biggest ones in the country. wright patterson. they've also got a uh, air force museum. there's a town nearby called dayton. i'm actually sitting in beavercreek this very minute typing.

but getting on with it, my mother had taken me out to a, afterschool, sort of mix and match, kindof a thing, where they haded you different instruments, you tried 'em out and then moved on. i was best at clarinet, but being the romeo that i was, i went after a girl on the trombone, and that ended up being my instrument. we had a band instructor called mister stall, and he was pretty old with a moustache, and a uh, red face. but we used to do these excersizes with breathing. i usually managed to be the one who held the breath the longest. so things picked up when i learned this song basin street blues. basically it was the song that really i liked alot. i can still remember exactly how it goes. so in about 98 i went over to a school named mvs, and hopped into their jazz ensemble.

i think it was there that i met this kid called sean ali, well i definately met him there, but i think thats when i began thinking of guitar. i think i had one by freshman year. there was another kid called vivek mahajan. indian kid played guitar. he was a senior. when i was a freshman. anyway i saw him play on stage. it was amazing. the guy really got into the music. the music was pretty good. it was like rock n roll music. the kinda stuff i listened to when i was in england. but like, yeah. it was an indian dude. someone who looked kinda like me. and i guess thats what i needed at the time. see back in england i was fine. no problems. jsut one of the gang. it was when i came to america that all the problems kinda began.

but anyway, watchin the kid play, gave me kindof a reason to play myself. it kinda gave me permission to persue that. so anyway i took lessons, played in the jazz ensemble, wasnt very good at first, but kept at it, eventually got a standing ovation my senior year. then in college dropped out third year. and uh, yeah.

freshman year i basically met alot of people, people on my floor would be playin instruments. and just i guess watchin them gave me permission. so i worked hard at it too. because i always wanted to, i just needed to be around the right people who kidna made me feel like it was ok to do it. because of course the parents didnt give a shit. and my sister certainly didnt give a shit. but yeah. thats how those years were. it was cool there was a talent show. and uh... yeah. sophomore year moved into an apartment. joined three bands in a row, ran into vivek again, as well as some of the other ones, was in a band with this douchebag, very controlling individual, very jittery person, very antisocial, that didn't last very long. and uh, yeah. then there was snowden's silent canvas. then finally blackburn. blackburn became a solo band, and then i wrote for a couple years. a good close friend and collaborator died in 2006, my third year at school, and thats when i moved back home. but yeah. stopped music for a bit. then got back into it. mainly 08. also was into it when i had just arrived, i'd kept up the habit at first, but evetually stopped, so i imagine i did it in 06, and then very little work in 07, and then got back into it in 08. but yeah. now its 09. in the end of 08 i met my current bandmate. our bands called the welsh assembly.

now ive played a couple shows. ive done concerts with the jazz ensemble. i even did choir shows. ive done open mics. did shows and open mics with blackburn. nothing with snowdens silent canvas. this band is by far my most performed band. done quiet a few open mics. otherwise, no gigs yet.

and thats the thing. i suppose i ahve gotten one gig. through viveks friend. at the sheesha bar. what else. yep. that was the only one. otherwise ive only done open mics. ilike the open mics cause they get me on stage. otherwise i wouldnt really get any chance. but still, i definately want to do some paying gigs. anyway, yeah.

it really sucks because i havent eveer gotten a paid gig in all the years ive been playing music, but i guess when you lay it out, ive jsut been improving. but anyway, yeah. tahts me.

it just pisses me off when i hear that people like kendall are out there getting paid right now when there music isnt any good. its just, not cool.

the years of conservatism and limitation

2009-02-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

so i think nows as good a time as any to kinda talk about how shit was back when i lived w/ my folks here in beavercreek oh, from about 95 to 03.

so we're dealin with the years 1995 through 2003 firstly.

the place is beavercreek ohio a state in midwest usa,

so yeah i was a kid when we came over. first off i was about... 9 when we arrived. we moved to stonebridge then to colonial drive, schoolwise i was @ main for a week or 2, then fairbrook ankeney and mvs for 5 yrs. after which i left for college.

so this is the time we're dealin with.

anyhow. my folks were fuckin conservative. we're takling pretty fuckin shitty. like shit was not good. i had to deal with them on a daily basis. i now look at them as chris equivolents. it was fucking difficult. there were so many fucking people that i never really got to know. honestly id say that shit has not been tht great hah. i dont think i had a real friend from 95 to 03. i wasnt allowed to have people over. i wasnt allowed to leave much. we were taught to be obedient. and the reason it worked is cause they were the only people we knew. but the mor epeople i meet, the more i realize what they're really about. but anyway they're my fokls. no matter where i move they'll always be that to me. but i don't have to do anything because of it.

i'd definately say one of the biggest issues right now is the money thing. like literally shit is not fucking good. they're fucking paying for everything. every fucking thing i own they paid for. they fucking rent my apartment. they fucking gave me my car. they fucking bought me my guitars. its fucking crazy. theyve basically bought fucking everything ive ever owned. theyve also fucking paid for every fucking trip ive ever been on. theyve paid for every fucking meal ive had. theyve even paid for all the fucking booze ive had. and they also paid for all the fucking drugs i knocked back. they fucking paid for the hosipital time from the drug overdose. they fucking paid for anitas morning after pills. they fucking paid for her bill. my entire life has been lived on their fucking backs. they fucking paid for my school. and fucking college. theyve bought every musical instrument ive ever bought. its fucking staggering all the shit theyve bought. alot of those things were fucking useful. but they also paid for my fucking plane tickets to get me to america. and they fucking paid for the house that we lived in. they fucking bought all the houses i lived in. three fucking houses in england. one fucking house in america. two fucking farms. many cars. all my clothes. just every fucking thing i own. you can fucking see how deep im fucking into with my parents. theyve fucking paid for so much shit. its enough to make you feel worthless. like you would just never be able to pay for the expensive shit. i do fucking know that thats gonna be a fucking issue im going to fucking have to work around. but what can you fucking do.

so whats new ?

2009-02-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

hah well lets see... how about how i systematically dealt with a string of old friends turned former friends. there's richard, kirby, and paul.

so richard was in my school, mvs, and he was i guess a year below me. he lived in beavercreek, blond kid, kinda gay hah, and always ridiculously in shape. like he'd go bike riding and shit. and also kinda hippyish. and if that wasnt enough, also hardcore into like, weird psychological shit.

and kirby was in my school, and he was i guess in my year, and he was real tall. dude had like a weird look, massive glasses, and would like wear fancy clothes and shit. hardcore into movies and like, fragrances and shit, also kinda gay hah.

and then this other dude paul, black dude, short, one lazy eye, and hardcore into music, like recording, and shit, and hardcore into like rapping and all that.

i guess what all these kids had in common was they were kinda freaks in their own right. i kinda understood that, gravitated towards that, and we were friends for that reason. that ironically was probably the reason i stopped being friends with them in the end hah.

anyway so yeah. we had not a fuckin lot ot do in our fuckin school. half the fuckin kids knew each other from their fuckin jewish studies. half the fuckin school was jewish. nothin fuckin wrong with that, its just fuckin that the fuckin kids were hardcore divided by their fuckin religion. there were more or less the rich jewish kids, and the fuckin kids who were friends with the rich jewish kids hah. and then there was the "other" group hah. the people who werent particularly friendly with the rich jewish kids. now it was fuckin funny because like, i had fuckin rich ass kids, but i had fuckin indian fuckin parents, so i fuckin kinda was more fuckin raised like some of these fuckin poor ass motherfuckers. i think it was the fuckin case with all the fuckin indian kids cause thats how these people'd be fuckin like.

any fuckin way, so these were fuckin kids who were in our fuckin group.

anyway, to the fuckin ways everyone fuckin ended fuckin shit.

paul fuckin tried to fuckin kick me out of his fuckin house after fuckin recordin me and fuckin refusin to give me a fuckin copy. i was like fuck this shit, and fuckin left, and fuckin got rid of that fuckin kid hah.

richard fuckin was rude as fuckin shit to his girlfriend and i thought he was a fuckin douchebag, then fuckin tried to fuckin try and fuckin tell me that i couldnt fuckin speak without fuckin bein rude. then his fuckin mother fuckin chimed in. a fuckin family of fuckin fools. i fuckin got rid of those fuckers real fuckin fast.

kirby fuckin visited down at my fuckin place, and fuckin said he was fuckin gay, then fuckin threw a fuckin fit when i hooked him up with a fuckin gay dude. fuckin bitched about shit and fuckin tried to fuckin paint me as a fuckin inconsiderate fuckin person, while he was fuckin stayin in my fuckin place because of my fuckin kindness. absolute fuckin bullshit. i fuckin got rid of that fuckin kid after that fuckin bullshit.

so thats how i fuckin kinda broke off shit with alot of my old fuckin friends hah. alot of em were fuckin douchebags hah.

coming home

2009-02-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

so i guess i'll try and redo the post on coming home.

well, vivek died, and i felt like i needed to punish myself. i felt like i was out of control. it was crazy. i was in my room alone alot. i was taking any drug given to me. i was writing music all day.

it wasnt good. i was lonely. i was sad. i was guilty. i was crushed. i was defeated.

i came home. i moved in. i slept in my bedroom. i gave up. i let time pass. i rotted. i festered. i gave up. i abandoned myself. ( like a ghost town - or a derelict ship ). ( the skeleton coast ). i laid in bed. i played games. i stopped music. i wasted time. i talked. i expressed. i learned. i grew. i gained weight. i lost confidence.

i felt i needed punishment. i felt i needed isolation. i felt i needed control. i felt i needed imprisonment. i overlooked my parents. i overlooked beavercreek. i felt i needed stability. i felt i needed normalcy.

moving back home

2009-02-09T02:40:00.000-08:00

so im fucking starting to pidgeonhole my parents as fucking just like chris, and i think what fucking happened was i was drug addled and depressed like a few months after vivek offed himself and i was fucking losing it, feelin suicidal, real low, dangerously so, so i decided to drive myself back, without confidin the shit i had inside, i took the ride back down to dayton, the place where my parents were waitin, and i moved in and back in to my room, the place was full of gloom, just admittin i was a fool, and that i needed to go back to school. learn the ins and outs of indianism, and forget all the shit i'd done in my days of hedonism. those things id gotten into, shit i'd need to forget dude, kinda fuckin depresed me, you don't even understand me. cause i was fuckin low, i had to go, i had to run, and haveno fun, cause i was down and out, you'd see me pout, twenty four seven, like i wasnt in heaven, though i was, cause, my parents paid all the shit, every bit, not even the rent, was meant for my head, id just lie in bed, and contemplate my life, teh strife, whether it was worth it, did i deserve this, my friend was dead, it got in my head, couldnt get it out, just stuck pouted, and fuckin dealt with this, the only way i could miss, fuckinrun back home, to the place that i know, the people who could police me, and never release me, i just wanna be free, you know me, you know this, you know me, you know this, and you know what, i dont give a fuck, im grown, overthrown the leader, the rulers are now down in the fields, the peasants workin pheasant farms, keepin me armed, with guns, the ones that shoot bullets, words through it, the way i master the play button on the player, the way that ive become like the mighty rearranger, im a danger, and thats the thrill, kill the lights, set your sights on the tv, believe me, we're gonna be free, forever G, you know me, you know this, lemme come over there, and give you a kiss, we'll be in lovers bliss, forget this, this and that, like a cat, dog shat, on my fuckin foot, rat, dead in the kitchen, birds, shittin not missin, on a mission, what conviction, dead and gone, eviction, loomin around the corner, all this fuckin disorder, and chaos, got me runnin back to the places, the spaces that keep me erased bliss, and this shit, its some fit, the type that, i'd like to miss, but this is, my life dis, this shit, my favorite, type of icecream, vice mean, the siren clean, cold body scene, on the street mean, wet n cold dream, dark alley mean, old man jean, roamin homeless man, doin what he can, to take the coins from the man, as the fat man leaves, with his girl, as he owns, the fuckin world, tryin to do, all he can, to take all, from the man, thats above, his fuckin head, as he sleeps, in bed, tryin to do, his shit, and gets, one bit, with a fat girl, and a small world, he sits in a chair, and goes everywhere, at least he thinkshe does, but he doesnt cause, he's fuckin small minded, the kind that, will never be, completely free, thats the way that this kid'll always be, he aint like you and me, forever be, infinity, and never be, like you and me, this fat kid'll be, married, with kids two or three, and then you will see, that life better be, better than this, gimme a kiss, lets run from this, to lovers bliss, the kind you cant miss, dont diss this, the shit one bit two three and four, you take me right out the door, these fuckin people here, are crazy as fuckin weird fucks, the kids in columbus, causin a ruckus, fuckin scub bags, and fag hags, the fat girls, lustin after my girl, this is my world, back the fuck off you fat girl, go after kendall, he's your type boring -dull, back the fuck off people, leave me the fuck alone jesus, dont want no fuckin problems, im done with all the bullshit, lets take you on the comet, i dont want no fuckin bullshit not one bit, lets get the fuck outa columbus, lets take the fucking first bus, dont want no fuckin problems, dont want no fuckin problems, what the fuck is your problem, writin all your fuckin rape songs, you got some fuckin strange proble, just leave my girl alone, what the fuck is your problem, do you live at home all alone, are you a bit of a loser, just fuck off youre a problem, i dont wanna see your fuckin face no more, just let this song settle the score, dont wanna see your face no more, you were always a fuckin bore, all your songs a fuckin snore, get the fuck out of my way dude, unless you want a fuckin fist in your face, get the fuck out of the way, and fuckin have a nice day, leave me the fuck alone mother fucker, and youll never be a titty sucker, stick with dick youll do better, get the fuck away, get the fuck away dont try to stay, dont even say - a fuckin, get the fuck away, no more fuckin nonsense today, just get the fuck away, dont needa fuckin say another word, just get the fuck away, motherfucker we're here to stay, just get the fuck away, we just want you to go away.

2009-02-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

alright, so what can i bring up today?

i guess i could talk about how lonely i was when we moved over to chicago in '91 from blackburn. also what else is there... i guess i could talk about the black kids and the beat ups in the busses in chicago as well.

so like, back in '91 my folks moved us out to america from england. first time we'd moved outa the country, new friends new town etc. new country even. we flew over the atlantic, and uh, yeah. went down to chicago. we stayed up with my aunts, who sucked. they were fucking boring. like there was nothing in those houses to do. like absolutely nothing at all. we'd just sit around all day and just fucking watch tv. it was fucking shitty. but we were in teh fucking basement. and we'd fucking watch star trek the next generation andshit. and like uh, yeah. there was a fucking excersize machine. and shit like that.

anyway yeah, we didnt hang out with many people. i thikn there was one kid who lived nearby, whose house jasbir masiji drove us out to. we caught eminem on tv, what's my name? or whichever one where he's pretending to be the president.

but yeah. anyway it was fucking shitty. i can't think of any friends that we had. we moved out of my aunts house, while we stayed there i would just go out and play with the ants out in the yard, or just go inside and watch tv. besides that, and action figures, there was literally nothing to do. it was fucking shitty. but yeah. then we'd moved houses to our own place eventually. before that though we were with my aunt, ranbir. and out there there was a sister and a brother that used to live in the complex. like, they were the only people we'd hang out with besides each other. my sister and i basically kept each other company while we sat around bored, doing nothing. it was shitty and boring and it sucked hah. but yeah. anyway.

chris i think? and a sister. dont remember. but ranbir's house sucked too. millions of fucking rules, and nothing to fucking do. fucking boring as shit, and even a shitty tiny tv that sucked. so we finally got our own place, but shit didnt get much better. there was a playground but we knew nobody in the neighborhood, so we just went down when our mom took us there, and id swing on the tire swing, by myself. it was pretty fuckin sad. and my sister'd do the same. we'd go on the slides and shit. and our mom'd be there. but otherwise we'd rarely leave the place. i can remember my sister riding a bike down the sidewalk in ranbir's neighborhood, she fell over the handle bars trying to keep up with me, and hurt her teeth. i was worried that she'd have lost a tooth. another time, the door was locked, and i think i had to crawl through the window in order to get the door open for our apartment. i think i remember there was a dog that was right on the corner there. we had a front yard, and i think we buried a fish there. we had a nanny, indian woman, cuoldnt speak more than broken english, and we'd watch a show called something like trouble in paradise. or something like that. anyway yeah, we'd watch xena on tv, and the trouble in paradise show, and uh, yeah besides that, we had a staircase, a fish with a tank, my mom had her study room, where she spent a good long while because she was studying to become a doctor in america? i think. im not sure. and yeah we had the fish upstairs. and i think it was fucking boring. i think there was a cousin of either ranbirs or jasbirs that came around alot. i think he ended up getting introduced to guggi's sister from england and they saw each other a bit. but i dont think anything came of it.

we used to drive down to a palce called devon street. that was the mecca for indians in skokie, it was a street real long with just hundreds of idnian stores restaurants and other businesses. it was amazing. saris and shit. and dosa shops, we'd go in and sit down, my aunt'd know the owner, or just what to say. a good dosa'd have tons of softness to it, a bad one'd be crispy. my aunt'd always get the crispy shit, we'd love the soft shit. so that was good.

my uncle'd walk @ the lake at nights, and we went out with 'em a couple times. it always smelled like fish. he liked it though. we found a butterfly there once, monarch. my uncle gave us a brown oldsmobile to drive, and we took that with us to ohio when we went. we went in like, 95, and i think we stopped over at chicago first to get the car and other things. but yeah.

it was shitty over there.

but then there was all the shit at school. so obviously i looked different. i probably sounded different too. but on the busses i'd get on and i'd get made fun of. sometimes i'd get beaten up. when i say beaten up i mean someone'd start hitting me, and i'd hitt hem back. but usually they'd be stronger, so it'd be a simple matter of the stronger kid winning. thats all hah. not like i trained in a fucking gym or anything. nah i wsa in my fucking aunts basement watching fucking star trek. thats how our evenings went.

there was this chick across the yard whose name i fucking forgot, but she had this morning show, bozo the clown? anyway yeah it was kinda fucking itneresting. but i look back on that whole fucking experience and i think, where the fuck were the people my age. where the fuck were my friends. where teh fuck was anything at all familiar. but nah, it was all gone. life over in chicago, or rather, the indian ghetto also known as skokie, was fucking shitty. we'd had all sorts of desperate indians all around us, and it was here in the indian ghetto that my two aunts had etched a life out for themselves. over in england we lived in a fucking ... suburb in a small town, and we lived in a cul de sac. but yeah it was fucking rediculous. so yeah.

we were basically moving from small town england to metropolis america. and what a fucking drop in quality of life. living in the slums of chicago doesnt fucking compare to the green fields of englands rural towns and villages, and thats the fucking life we traded in. and for what, a few extra bucks? so they supposedly "made it" and got out to ohio, big fucking deal. we moved to a fucking conservative valley of fucking douche bags. whatever slums disappeared, were exchanged for brutal conservatism and brute tendancies amongst the people. midwesternism, christian bible thumpers, frontierism, appalachianism, fucking rediculousness. not my fucking style of living, thats for fucking sure.

2009-02-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

so, what bad memory to bring up today?

well, there's a couple things that come into mind. "squanto". september 11th and the mall walk.

so lets backtrack, i went over from like england over to ohio in 05. hit a hotel, then an apt, and swapped schools once. ended up in a place called fairbrook, on fairfield road, in beavercreek ohio, midwest america.

so yeah, there was this overweight heavy kid that'd kinda round up a gang of kids, and out on the playground they'd kinda pulled me into their circle, they were interested in me, i was interested in them. they'd call me squanto hah, and i think i told him i didnt like the name, but then again, not sure if i ever did. but the kid'd call me squanto, and i fuckin hated it. squanto is a fuckin native american name, my parents were fuckin from india. but the worst of it was i was fuckin british, i was fuckin born in wales, grew up in fuckin england. i didnt know shit about fuckin india. its some fuckin random ass faroff place that doesnt fuckin mean anythin to me. england is all i fuckin know. so it was fuckin rediculous.

so september 11th, im sittin on the couch, when i catch the footage on tv. the towers and all, and then during the day @ school the hysteria about the shit on tv was mad. fuckin kids were like fuckin cryin n shit, and we were fuckin in the midwest n shit. it was fuckin whack. they werent fuckin in the explosion, they had no fuckin reason to be in fuckin tears n shit. but they were fuckin bein dramatic, and the fuckin teachers were fuckin encouragin them. and then the fuckin nonsense started. i was fuckin walkin around with a fuckin putka on dude, i had a fuckin bit of a tash and a fuckin beard n shit. and fuckin man, what a fuckin crazy ass situation, i had all these fuckin people starin at me fuckin 24/7. it was fuckin insane. like the shits fuckin died down now but fuck people in ohoi they'd all fuckin stare at me like i was a fuckin terrorist. i was just a fuckin regular kid, into fuckin video games and shit, played some fuckin soccer, just a fuckin normal kid, but these fuckers would fuckin stare like i was a fuckin murderer. all these fuckin black people walkin around sayin hey dude you dont understand - i fuckin understand bitches. its fuckin rediculous shit and you shouldntbe fuckin put to this fuckin shit when you're fuckin just a child n shit. its fuckin rediculous. we shoulnd't be asked to fuckin roam around and fuckin have this fear of the average fuckin man, like any fuckin person was liable to fuckin run up to us and fuckin try to fuckin top us, just because of how we fuckin looked. we werent even of the same fuckin group as the fuckin people who did the fuckin killin. we werent even the same fucking religion. we werent even fuckin related. its fucking rediculous. but what do they fuckin care what fuckin god i fuckin worship. maybe we did fuckin share a bloodline down the fuckin road. but fuck man, so do we fuckin all. we all fuckin share a bloodline and thats what fuckin matters to me. but fuckin red temple or blue temple, what do they fuckin give a shit, they just fuckin see brown skin and a fuckin wrapped head, they see that shit and its fuckin rediculous. fuck those fuckers for that fuckin bullshit. its fuckin rediculous and youd fuckin expect that sorta shit from some fuckin low brow low life fuckers and you found it in ohio, in the fucking trenches, the fucking midwest, the fucking conservative heart of fuckin america. its fuckin rediculous. the shit that was fuckin said, the fuckin glances, and the fuckin fear. and the shit that really fuckin pissed me off was the bullshit my fuckin friend would fuckin spew. "im fuckin scared' and shit - who gives a shit, fuckin pull yourself together kid, fuckin get on with fuckin life. youve gotta fuckin just deal, and shut the fuck up about that shit, you dont see me fuckin worried about that shit, so fuckin shut the fuck up about it to me you fuckin twat. seriously, that shit was fuckin whack. but yeah. that was a fuckin part of my life hah.

2009-02-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

so i guess ill tell you bout the time i asked out ... what was her name... i dont remember but back in fairbrook back in the day. goldie mehan, and the whole school laughed at me.

so like, i was in fairbrook, maybe like 95 or 96, and like, so this girl, goldie, she was kinda qwirky, weird, and had this weird friend, name began with like a s, her mom was white and fat, and that was weird, and she was just the weirdest little girl ever. the chick, she was like the girl from amelie. and she had a heart of gold. but she was just the kindest little girl, and she used to be off in her own world. and back then she looked cute as hell. and so i was hella into her.

it was a shame when i saw how she'd gained all that weight when i visited her a couple years ago. it was crazy.

but anyway, yeah, so i decided i wanted to ask this girl out. i think that was like the time when everyone was starting to date, and so the idea caught on, and i decided i wanted to ask someone out. the first girl i wanted to was charlotte winter this girl with like freckles and black hair, but never did, she was way too far ahead for me i felt, i mean she was white, she was ohioish, but i mean goldie seemed more like me, like she was indian, at least brown skin, and she was hella quirky too, so i mean she kinda caught my eye, and so i set about trying to do something with her. so i think i asked her out, indirectly, maybe through friends or whatever. and like for a day she hung out with me, and she said i had hairy legs... yeah that sucked heh, i was embaressed, i mean she was making fun of my legs. and when youre young youre kinda sensitive about that sorta stuff. i learned later how better to deal with stuff like that. but i mean yeah, so thats how it went down. then i thikn i was awlking through the halls of the shcool and like everyone in the entire school was like OH SANDEEP ASKED A GIRL OUT and they were all like trying to be flirty with me the girls, hella teasing me, like this girl adrianne she was a hell of a tease, and yeah, she would grab my thigh and stuff, that sorta stuff heh. but yeah i mean, i just remember it being a really terrible time hah.

2009-02-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

so when i went out to aberdeen there was this old guy that randomly started talking to me in a bar. he was asking me about amy winehouse, and seeing if i thought she was any good. he was tellin me she was the best singer out there right now. and i said i didnt really like her. and he was like, "see this is the problem with people like you." and i was like wtf heh, what are people like me, indians? people from america? young people? i dunno but this guy was trying to kinda fucking typecast me by my opinion of a singer he liked heh. absolute bullshit heh. fuckin wanker i think the phrase is. but the dude was fuckin whack. and certainly didnt deserve any attention from me. fucking rediculous ass shit.

2009-02-05T14:11:00.000-08:00

what else is there, well, i guess i could talk about how shitty it was in chicago. well there was like nobody there, it was just me my mom and my sister. my dad was gone alot, we'd rarely see him. i think he was even gone for many months once and we even got used to not having him around. and i remember him coming through the door and seeming so different. like his beard had become grey he had grown old even though it had only been at most a year. we used to sit down in the basement and watch star trek, but we werent allowed to do alot of stuff. i kindof feel like we wouldn't have been able to visit friends houses, or go outside and play much, or the like. we didnt have much variety in the food, just indian, which kinda wasnt cool. and we'd be sent out to devon avenue for dosas. it'd suck because it was always the same thing. and we couldn't wear what we wanted. and we couldn't go where we wanted. we were basically under house arrest and overly controlled by the aunts. i hated their house because there was nothing for us to do. they just had an excersize machine and a tv, and then a million gruesome medical books.

2009-02-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

so what can i talk about that sucked.

well the day that vivek died i was sitting in a bar with my friend nick and his girlfriend ... sara. i guess we werent that gerat friends because after the death we didnt really hang out much. and eventually the kid stopped returning phone calls. like id leave facebook messages and messages on his phone and he'd just ignore 'em i guess. kinda douchebagish if you ask me. the dude should have just told me he didnt really want to hang out and shit heh. but i mean, yeah, nah, the kid just didnt do shit about them. to me, that's some despicable ass shit. if someone called me, i'd return the call immediately. if someone called me alot, and i was avoiding 'em, i'd eventually tell 'em not to call me. but the dude never did, he's such a passive pussy. and i just find it insulting as shit when someone tries to be all passive with me. im a very forward person so it really didn't seem all that cool to me at all. i mean i'd expect a friend to answer a phone call. at least if there were a lot of them. but one call should warrent a return. and if someone isnt all that interested in hanging out or even recieving calls, they should've used their mouth to let me know. this passive nonsense was absolutely bullshit. i really didnt see it coming and it was absolutely painful and the timing was terrible. wait until myf riend dies, then when i reach out for support, act all passive and shit. what a fucking rediculous ass piece of shit. and what a rediculous ass fucking thing to do.

but yeah vivek was fucking crazy, he killed himself after all, they found him in his apartment. jason wrote that vivek said he was going to "take his meds" i guess. the last time he saw him was i guess at his own birthday party, which he left to go and take some drugs i guess. two days later i guess they found him. which means he was at the party, left, and presumably died then. the police were called to his room i suppose, i dont know how they found out he was in there. i would only assume that basically the whole situation there was absolutely nuts. like the whole deal was, that basically there couldnt be much to be done really, like, i guess, he was there, maybe the smell of some drug wafted out of his room, someone finally called the cops, they showed up, opened it, and then basically uh, yeah. it was terrible. the death sucked, i mean i was sad.

i felt like it was my fault, like that i should have said something or done something but i didnt do anything. i think i even egged him on and he just went closer and faster towards the end. he asked me if he should do heroin and i told him to do it if he wanted to. i always thought that was like the most irresponsible thing i could ever do hah. i mean telling a guy to take the deadliest drug on the planet, not smart. i mean was 18, and he was 23. i guess his birthday was april 06, he'd've been 24. so that means he'd've been 26 this year, when i'd be turning 23. so he was about 3 years older. but yeah. i mean, if he was 26, when im 23, anita'd be 19. so he'd be like 7 years older than her. but i mean i never really felt like i kinda was similar to this dude. it was more anita that i felt that kinda equal kinship, y'know? like vivek was kinda like, just miles ahead and i didn't like that. like he just had way more life experience. and like i always felt overwhelmed.

2009-02-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

so yeah.

there's alot of shit hah to go over.

i guess i could break it down.

so in 86 i was born in wales.
then in 86 we moved to blackburn
in 90 we moved to beardwood
then in 91 we moved to chicago
in 94 we moved to beardwood
then in 95 we moved out to ohio
in 03 i moved out to columbus
in 06 i moved to beavercreek
in 08 i moved to columbus again

so yeah

there's some periods, i guess i could say when i went to chicago and the kids used to beat me up in the bus.

or perhaps when i was out in ohio and the kids laughed when i said i wanted to date a girl.

or perhaps in columbus where vivek declined and died

the fact that there were plenty of places where basically, well, yeah.

2009-02-04T14:17:00.001-08:00

so why does this exist. basically because of a conversation anita and i had about her past which kinda also works for my past too. basically my idea was that she kinda go through those pains of her past daily and put them someplace, after all tehy were her emotions and she should express them all to feel really fully satisfied as a human being. so ill be doing the same thing with my thoughts. vivek england chicago and life in ohio plus anything else like college memories and school before qegs and even heathfield or anything else. it all deserves to be written and expressed. so thats why this exists.